How can someone accept themselves as both homosexual and disabled at the same time? What are the stereotypes linked to the world of disability? How do you break down these stereotypes?
Martina, after having faced being both a lesbian and a disabled woman, has agreed to share a piece of her life with us and answer all these questions.
This interview is dedicated to all of us who, for one reason or another, find it difficult to accept and to live peacefully. With the hope that Martina’s words can bring a breath of positivity and give to everybody the strength to live in peace with oneself.
Enjoy!
Why do you think it’s important to tell your story?
My main goal is to convey a message of positivity, hope and above all normality to those who read or listen to my story. What I hope is that, following this interview, everyone without any distinction (gay, straight, disabled or able-bodied and even different ethnic groups) can find the strength to accept their condition and if I may say, “Get out from their shell”. So I really hope to help all the people who are experiencing a difficult time to face and destroy that fear, from which they are completely overwhelmed by denying themselves the most important thing: inner peace, hidden in the human soul.
How has it been facing this journey of double acceptance, both as a lesbian and as a disabled?
Certainly for me to get to where I am today hasn’t been easy, but I consider myself lucky to have had by my side a special woman: my mother. Since I was a child I have always been aware of my handicap, I knew I couldn’t do the same things as other children, but my mother tried to get me to do those things in a somewhat obviously different way. In addition she has never hidden from me the truth about my condition (spastic quadriplegia), actually she has always put me in front of the pure reality without sugarcoating it, why should she have done so? To condemn me to a life of illusions and misery? No, I wouldn’t be the same Martina. It’s thanks to this that over the years I have firstly accepted the wheelchair and then, during puberty, I understood and even accepted my sexual orientation. Of course at first I denied it to myself because I felt that this way I had to load another heavy burden on my back along with the one that I was already carrying, but from this point of view as well, the presence and support of my mother helped me get through it. I want to say that the support from the family is essential for those who are facing an inner change as complex and delicate as this. I conclude with a phrase that has accompanied me throughout most of my life: “Remember, that is it only ourselves who decide what can be considered normal and what is not.”
What is, in your opinion, decisive in the journey towards self-acceptance?
To answer this question I would link it back to what I said above, both in regards to the family and to the individual. The first important thing is the family: although we are now in 2016, there is unfortunately still a lot of ignorance and closure from people; just think that there are even some people who are convinced that segregating their disabled child in the house is the only possible way to avoid the shame and the compassion for themselves and others. Let alone for homosexuality, considered by many a disease. I do think there should also be a dose of luck for all of us. But do not forget that even determination, strength and courage of every single individual must do their part. One last thing required to reach self-acceptance is to always face the truth, never hide behind a screen of lies, due to the fear of facing one’s own suffering. So to you, dear readers, I repeat again: “Remember, that is it only ourselves who decide what can be considered normal and what is not.”
This is in my opinion the key to accepting yourself.
Are there any groups or associations in Italy dedicated to those who are homosexuals and disabled? To whom can a homosexual and disabled person turn for support?
There is no national Homo-Disabled Association, but there are groups on the internet, such as “The Forum on June 17”, where homosexual, straight, disabled or not, users “meet” on a daily basis, to talk about homosexuality, disability, affectivity, their own personal stories, politics and society.
This forum is part of the investigation Able from the Heart Homo-Disability: what is the relationship between homosexuality and disability? coordinated by Priscilla Berardi, sexologist and psychotherapist, Arcigay and the Association of Family Therapy of Bologna. Then there are others, such as Jump LGBT Beyond all barriers, born within the Arcigay Cassero of Bologna, this also created the place for socializing and meeting people from the LGBT community with disabilities. For anyone who requires support, I suggest they contact the Accessibility Project, which aims to integrate all individuals to counter prejudices, discrimination or marginalization because of a disability. In the 2014 edition, Project Accessibility focused on the accompanying service for blind people and interpretation services for deaf people.
Have you ever been afraid of not being welcomed and accepted within the LGBT community? What was your first impression of the gay community?
To be honest no, I felt immediately integrated and, most importantly, I never felt judged. My first impact in the gay community has been wonderful, because unlike the local or heterosexual clubs, where sometimes I used to go and where I received disgusted glances, pitiful looks or offensive and inappropriate comments, in local gay-lesbian clubs it was completely the opposite. I still remember my first time at Rha Bar in the Navigli area in Milan, which is now unfortunately closed, but as I said I still remember the wonderful feeling of being in the right place at the right time and with the right people. It’s however also true that women have a greater predisposition in accepting each other compared to men, who sometimes have a tendency to “exclude” the person who in their eyes is not what they expected. I was once speaking to a gay friend of mine precisely about this difference between our two worlds, who told me that for men it is really more complicated, even the first meetings, because if you “don’t fall within the standards”, you will be immediately marginalized. Always remember, however, that it’s all very subjective.
When you meet someone on the street, what are the most common reactions you get form people?
While answering this question, I hope to make the readers smile a little. You should be aware that I have been used to people staring at me from a very young age, if they don’t stare then they look at me with pity, and I absolutely can’t stand it, so I stare at them too straight into their eyes; some are frightened and so they look away immediately, while others continue to stare and it’s to them that I ask: “Mr/Mrs, would you like a photo? Five euros!”. This joke what initiated by my girlfriend Erika, I can’t remember the precise moment, but I do remember our uncontrolled laughter (not in the moment, but once we got home) when the person, after hearing the joke, turned around muttering incomprehensible things or remains with his/her mouth wide open as if they were catatonic. Fortunately, however, there are also people who have an absolutely normal approach towards me, as if the wheelchair was invisible.
Has anyone ever asked you how you can have an intimate relationship with your girlfriend? If so, did you answer honestly or did you prefer to avoid the subject?
It happened to me countless times, because as you all know most people think that a disabled person is asexual. Absurd, isn’t it? The ability to have sexual intercourse can be affected by the severity of the disability, but also a person who is unable to move anything can expect to make love to his/her partner, because the partner will be the one who is able to get to where the other can’t. Here, again, I’m convinced that luck has to play a big role. When I was asked this question, I have always answered with a smile: “Because how do you do it?”. When the other person replied stammering and was visibly embarrassed, I added: “I do it just as you do it, in fact to be honest, even better, because my legs are so flexible that I consider myself more fortunate than a normal girl, right?!”.
What are the prejudices that you find yourself most often faced with?
Unfortunately, as I mentioned above, in our society there is a high level of ignorance and prejudice, which affects individuals. So people think that I am mentally retarded, because the physical disability is often wrongly linked to mental retardation. Usually I let them talk for a while and then suddenly I simply say: “I’m disabled, not a moron!”. Throughout my life, maybe because of my strong sensibility, I have always been able to distinguish a mentally retarded person from a normal one, if you look at them you will immediately notice the difference between the look of the first, completely absent and closed in his own world, and the second one, bright, lively, even if on a wheelchair.
What is, according to you, the best way to break down prejudices associated with the world of disability?
I personally believe that the best way to break down prejudices associated with the world of disability is the spread of information. Remember that people fear more than anything else what they don’t know. I think the first ones to have to be “educated” are the families. Today many families actually don’t know that exact condition of the child, so they have absolutely no idea how they should act. A high cultural level of course allows a family to address the issues openly and directly to the root, but remember that culture can make the man “master” of the world. In conclusion, to break down the prejudices you must first “eliminate” ignorance to give way to knowledge. How can we reach this knowledge? Informing and documenting the people about everything we still ignore today.
Do you have any advice for the readers of are experiencing what you have experienced yourself?
The only advice I can give you, dear readers, is selfish but essential if you want to live in a fulfilling and normal world despite your handicap. You have to love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally, love your wheelchair, if you have one, love your defects even those that over the years made you feel discriminated and uncomfortable. I personally love my life, I love my defects, my limits; in short, I love myself and I would not change anything of what has happened in my life, except for my father’s death, but as you know the only thing that there is no remedy for is death. In conclusion, I repeat must, love yourself! Only after your self-acceptance you will therefore be able to love others. Before saying goodbye, I invite you to “Like” my Facebook page “I am Martina and I am not different?”. I will be happy to answer all your questions.
