The first rule about coming about is that there are no rules.
So what is the utility of this article? Just go ahead and read everything I have to tell you and (I hope) you’ll understand.
Let’s start with the basics.
For those who still live in the Stone Age and has as best friends Fred and Wilma Flintstone or those who are simply approaching these issues for the first time – hey, welcome! – coming out is a term used in the LGBT community to indicate, for example, a girl who at some stage of her life comes out with a phrase along the lines of: “Hey, I like to sleep with other women!” ; or a man, married with children, says “Yes, I am woman and I need to change sex.” In short, all those people who for the first time speak freely of what they are, who decide to reveal their true identity.
“Coming out of the closet” is in fact a paraphrase that can be used by anyone, whether they are men or women, bisexuals, transgenders, or asexuals.
Being able to do inner coming out is the first step to face the “public” one. We are talking about a process that can last years, which can occur at various levels (as pointed out by the Kinsey Scale) and at the most unexpected moments.
Coming out is very different from outing, that is, when someone gossips with phrases like “Hey, listen to me: did you know that Tom sleeps with James?”; in other words, outing is “the political practice of publicly revealing the sexual orientation of people who are secretly non-heterosexual.”
Alas, even today we read a lot of articles that, with the sole aim of creating a scandal, write in the headlines in large letters: “FamousPerson is GAY!!!!!”. As if, by the way, in 2016 there is still something to be shocked about if the supposed homosexuality of he FamousPerson were true.
In any case, I think outing is one of the meanest things you can do, so let’s just avoid it.
As I spent my adolescence watching Sex & The City, Disney cartoons and trying to understand something in mathematics (with bad results, if you wanted to know), when I realized I was gay the first questions I asked myself were: “How can I tell that to someone? When can I tell? Who shout I trust? Should I be telling everyone?”
And above all: “Would I get any benefits by telling people I’m gay?”
In hindsight, the answer is … YES!
In what planet is it reasonable that people talk freely about their religion, their political orientation or their favorite dish, while sexuality continues to be a taboo subject? Actually, that is our planet.
Being able to talk openly about one’s dating, love or simply a crush on another person, is something of vital importance and that is part of everyone’s life. Having to keep it all in and hiding one’s feelings from those around us is never good.
“This is such a weight off my shoulders” I told my mother after telling her that I am gay. A cliché, I know, but I can assure you that it was really so.
Unless you have incredibly advanced relatives who are keeping up with the pace of time, the fear of the first coming will never abandon you; but at the same time you will be surprised to find out that friends and family can prove to be very understanding and very supportive in such situations. Fear not: it’s likely that very often your mum and dad have already guessed your sexual orientation, but won’t have spoken to you about it. To come out will be one way to strengthen even further the relationships you have with the people you care about.
As we all know, humans love by definition labels, so while for many it’s easy to identify themselves as gay, bi or trans, for others the situation is much more complex than it seems, so it is necessary that you take the time you need before you come out of the closet. Do not rush. To understand even more about yourself, try to talk to those who have already done their coming out a long time ago, share your experiences with them and what you perceive in yourself.
“If I were to tell my dad that I was gay, he would kick me out of the house!” is the phrase I’ve heard most often from guys and girl who have yet to come out of their hiding place, and these are the words that I myself repeated in my head as I found a road of rainbow petals and unicorns ahead of me on the threshold of turning seventeen. Needless to lie to you saying it’s an impossible hypothesis: many teenagers after telling their parents that they are part of the LGBT community have been forced to leave their house, as it became a living hell. In the event that your friends have difficulty in accepting you for who you are, remember that you will other real friends. Should you be forced to move out of your house, remember that there are plenty of support groups, friends and families who are waiting to welcome you.
After making your interior coming out – which I assure you is the hardest part – how do you make the public coming out as painless as possible?
We said that there are no rules, but there are some tips that might be useful (it’s up to you to judge):
1. Understand your surroundings
Try to understand what your friends and your parents think about homosexuals and the LGBT community in general.
2. Wait for the moment that is the right one for you.
No need to rush things, screaming “I LIKE D**K!” during your sister’s wedding. Wait until you feel comfortable to deal with what comes next, without listening to the possible pressures that your partner might make for you to proclaim to the world that you are together.
3. Open up to your best friend or the person with whom you feel most comfortable with.
Avoid a written coming out – or even worse – on social networks. Something you quickly write down can be misunderstood and, unless you only have ten friends on Facebook, the homophobe will always be ready to comment with his/her won opinion, so as to make you feel even worse.
4. Tell your parents or to everyone you care about.
It’s definitely the final step, the one with which you can show everyone your true essence and finally scream that you’re free. Once you reach this point, well … congratulations!
As I said just above, not all parents will be happy to know that they have raised a son/daughter who is sexually attracted to a person of the same sex or who would even like to proceed with a sex transition. They may scream, cry, fill you with questions or not talk to you for days. Stay calm, as time is able to heal any wound. I’m not saying that it’s easy, I’m just saying that you can deal with.
5. See? You made it!
From this moment on, be psychologically prepared to questions like: “Are you sure it’s not just a phase? Could you keep this to yourself, please? Now will you start vomiting rainbows?”
This has personally never happened to me, but I’m sure that if it had I would have answered by dancing It’s Raining Man in a golden latex catsuit. Just to stir up the stereotype.
Coming out is a personal process just as much as your identity, which is why I told you that there are no set patterns or rules to follow. Do it when you feel ready, and remember that there are so many people, we at Bossy at the front of the line, who will be honored to be able to give all the support that you need.
